******This letter is between two women whom have been abused in the UK. If you know anyone who has been abused, please, do not be afraid to advise them. *************
Hi Old Chum from music class,
Goodness me!!! I remember when we used to sing together in school. You were such a confident person. Oh wow! Long time no hear from. Thanks for the message. I am so sorry to hear that you too have been in an abusive relationship, or have been harassed and had your life threatened in the UK. I think even if we had reunited at the time I was going through my abusive relationship, I would not have had the confidence to leave. I was scared, I felt lonely. I didn’t have the support of my family. I had to get my whole well being back up after the way that I was let down by so many. I just wanted to get away from that person who was abusing me. You know how it is Old Chum, the pain just chokes you inside. I hope this helps you to heal in some way.
I think I caught wind of everything going pear shaped in England, last year when I made the decision to move here. I told our mutual friend about my problems and had discussed the legal system in the UK. They are similar problems that you have experienced – where, I feel as a woman you are treated like s*** – even though the law says you can be defended. They refuse to defend you. You are treated like a criminal as a victim. No one really wants to help or get involved to stop the violence.
Our mutual friend was in shock, I have to admit; I have not really been in touch with anyone else. I actually have been enjoying being free from the stress of my ex now that I have left the country. I mean, he was on my doorstep nearly every day making threats and the police did nothing. He even said to the police I was crazy and they believed him; he was only given a caution because he was violent towards me, but, I could not hold an injunction against him because the physical violence was apparently out of date.
You only have 3 years to defend yourself and even then you have to take out another injunction to protect yourself after another period of time. You have 6 months if it is a new relationship and your abuser is in a new relationship with you.
As it states on the government website, old chum: if your relationship ended 3 years ago there is nothing you can do, you cannot have protection from harassment even if you have a child together. There is no protection. Get an injunction if you’ve been the victim of domestic violence. Gov.uk. You as a woman whom may have come out of your abusive relationship are not also entitled to legal aid – you must pay.
Anything could have happened to me or you dear old chum. Why is there need for a timeline????????????? They will just always want to take out their bad day on us. They will always threaten us and call us names. They will always want to beat us up after a drink or if they have done drugs. We are their punch bag. We are their sport.
Just hearing about you being in same boat as me and that your life was put at risk, even when you were harassed – makes me think why one thing always leads to another. You have not even family members to protect a woman who is more vulnerable and more prone to losing a job because of child care issues ; or because people start to think in a negative way against you after you have been abused.
If you move area you have to tell the magistrates in the area and they give you a time limit of your injunction and review it every so often. How the heck is that meant to have an expiry date? Women get murdered and people wonder why!!!!!!!!
I will not have to deal with corrupt governments or dirty stinking police anymore. Just like you said…..
“sick of living in fear!!!!”
And you do feel depressed, anxious and you feel as though it is Asperger’s or something because you are vulnerable. People just don’t accept, you need help in the UK. They just turn blind eye: you are dirt without a husband who beats you. A little like game of thrones and the constant battle of rape and sexual victimisation of women. This constant abusive tone men use against women is as though we can never be their equals when using something other than brute force.
I am not a feminist; men just don’t get raped by women unless that woman is physically violent. Most women have to be threatened before they take action, or, be in a situation where they are terrified. The ones who hit men just out of the blue really ought to think….:
“That man’s bigger than me, even if I punch him to get his hands away from my throat it is self defence. He can hit me with one blow and I would never be able to get up. He has more force and weight behind him. He may knock me unconscious and then never stop kicking me. I ought not to. I ought not to hit him because he just will not stop. You will always be less than because they are physically bigger, no matter what your body mass index is…. a man’s body is built for physical endurance. It is nature. And don’t you dare think you would take a skinny man on because he will get fat one day and shock you!That’s nature. “
There has to be evidence, on both sides. I do not see it improving. I do not see women’s circumstances in the UK improving; no matter what culture you come from – you are a victim and the law does not protect you. You live in fear and you suffer from post traumatic stress disorder and your life feels like hell. You feel as though you are always looking over your shoulder and panicking. You cannot keep a job like that….. and they put more pressure on you so you crack up. The more you crack up the more your abuser wins. The more control they have over you. Your head is pounding like a drum and you cry…. and you feel your heart crush against your chest like they have taken a blow to you without touching a hair on your head. You are nothing in the eyes of those who are in the justice system in the UK. You are classless and an abomination because you allowed yourself to become a victim of something. You are guilty!!!! We only know how that feels……
At least, I am in another country and it’s safer. The law states there is not a timeline for harassment and sexual assault; so, therefore you cannot be hurt again by the same person.
There is next to no crime here. I mean, if that low life decides to come after me, I am going to have him deported straight away. Yes, I have a child with that man but he stole her away from me and social services just listened to his bullsh** and listened to his money being spent on my daughter. He refused to pay maintenance whilst I was studying. And they let him get away with that sh**. Where I am men are arrested for not paying child maintenance. I mean, when you need to protect yourself and you are wanting to see your child because you have to study to improve your life; you need that money. You need it to show them a good time and be an equal to the person who abused you or even to a person who does not even want contact with the child. Even if you had been raped, there is no support or justice.
At least you have the common sense to get out, also, dearest Old Chum. There is no Justice in that patriarchal society , I don’t believe they will change. They want to be patriotic but not look after women and children. They want to complain about crime but do nothing about it. They would take a long time dealing with anyone in an abusive relationship.
I may as well repeat what I said earlier: it’s expected that your man will beat you if you are in a relationship in England. Those values are really not the best for anyone, not even your children. If you are not there to take the blows, eventually, the man will hurt the child. It is not rocket science, and they do not want to improve anything.
Even a gay couple would be classed as the stereotypical type to be violent and the police would not do anything. However, men and women have been married or living together and been accepted for centuries and yet still women are less than that….
“Women in England are treated like less than second class citizens. We were not defended or protected.”
Do the move for your child. I did the move for mine and I have a job and it is a start. It is more than I could get in the UK. I feel as though I am getting my dignity and self-respect back. These are the things which are robbed and taken away from you as well as your own ability to raise your child in a safe environment. This is what is most important; you definitely do not have lack of morals for leaving a place which has decided to loose all existence of ethics.
It is not easy having parents who are stuck in this one tracked vision;
“You should stay together for the sake of the child. You should also work things out because of the sake of the child. “
I was upset by my mom taking sides with the man who abused me. I felt betrayed, because she of all people should know what that was like and to defend her daughter. However, it is a never ending cycle of abuse and it keeps occurring. They do not want to do anything, they just want your abuser to continue having sickening control over you. They just want to continue the abuse in their heads because they are bitter and not happy themselves.
Happiness is more than just a ticket on a plane. Your abuser will try to rob you of your life. They should never have been allowed to be given so much power over you, to even threaten to take your life; OR even hold you by the throat.Your abuser has no control over you when you walk away and find strength to rebuild your life.
Now we can both live life freely and accepting the mistakes that have been made in the past to build a better future. I think I did not want to be as bitter as my parents. I cannot understand why they would even contemplate even separating a child from it’s mother. I was never taking drugs, I was never abusive…. I was just a victim of abuse. I was never given the support needed to help my own child get away from a potential threat to her own life. To me that is not justice:
If, I was still in England, I would have turned bitter because there was not a chance in hell that my ex would let me move on. It was like he was in control he wanted it that way…….
so, I made the decision to walk away and my daughter saw him be violent towards me and she was not happy. I feel better for making the decisions I have so far. When I have the money I will fight. In fact, I am given the rights to go ahead once I am in full time employment where I am now, and that is through legal aid and the police.
I would not have had a chance in hell to even have a decent relationship start with my ex around, sh** stirring or trying to manipulate things. He wanted everything from me, even my last breath and I could not deal with him. To this day I have contact with my daughter and I have to do it through him and I feel sick. He just makes me feel like vomiting….he leaves a nasty bitter taste in my mouth at how low he has sunk to even manipulating his way around things.
I could not even stand on my own two feet until now because England is the kind of society at the moment where as a single mother you are doomed. You have no support or help. Your child may turn to crime or something else because there are no after school clubs and child care is over priced. You as a woman are nearly forced to turn to criminal activity. Where is your dignity then? You have already had your life robbed away from you – then you have it taken from you again. It is just a never ending spiral of abuse. It is better that we both got out whilst we could. However, I know if I was trying as hard as I was it was not enough:
The EX would crush your spirit…… then you are told that he is better than you because he is able to maintain a job because they could not be bothered to help you. Even though you needed to study to be paid above minimum wage. Social services don’t care. They are not the best country in the world and they have no morals.
Especially, when men stalk you or even cat call you, they even flash their genitalia at you in England and men are not even given a caution for that. It is indecent exposure. It is a sign of male dominance and a sign of rape or paedophilia …. But to have the Police tell you it is okay and they will not do it again is just proof, they don’t care.
There is no punishment for it. There is just women who need protecting from these men who are vile and they cannot be bothered to deal with them, or rehabilitate them. You and I both know, you would be dead before they knew it. Even if a man threatened you at your door step the police would say:
“It’s his word against yours!”
What happened to the saying:
“Better to be safe than sorry?”
So anyway, it’s been 7 months and I am happy. The most important thing I wish for all of us is happiness. I did try to warn our mutual friend, the poop had hit the fan in the UK. She said her and her husband were thinking of moving to Australia. It takes a lot of courage to move….. however, it is worth it.
Of course, I did everything in my power to get here on time, before the real collapse of the economy. Of course I will not talk about your location on your Facebook wall. However, this is my journey….. I have enjoyed it. But not the hurt. I think we all have to admit the hurting is worse, especially when people think they are better than us because they have taken something from us. Be prepared to prove them wrong ‘Old chum’ Don’t stand for crap anymore. Be who you need to be.
My child will be proud because she can see me happy and that means everything to her. She will have the confidence to get away from those idiots and come over to me soon and I will let her raise hell. It is the way it will be. She is not happy with them now.
All those lies they tell about you and I will blow up in their faces when they see we have the ability to be strong again.
This was it, there is only so much abuse you can take as a woman. You are not guilty for choosing life. It is not hard to leave. It is harder to die there ……knowing you could have had the chance to improve your life for your children. Even if you have to accept that you cannot fight that battle right now and no one will help you. You are just one of many like me who had a tough decision to make and yet still we are punished for making those choices.
However, they can now and where I live will help me when I have the funds, I repeat this because as a woman we have to admit – keeping hold of a job after trauma is not easy. Trusting people is not easy, but, you have to believe it will become better in the end. I am trying become a citizen where I am now so I can have the protection I need.
I like the fact that you too have decided stop living in fear; if you have lived with the longest time feeling threatened, you too would look to change your whole nationality knowing how sickening it is to be treated less than human – due to the fact you are a victim of violence or harassment.
From your Pal from music class xxxx