Three Short True Stories
These are true stories from real men; I changed their names to make sure I am not liable. Although, I am sure most of them are seeking the help they need after their experiences.
The reason for these true stories is to help other’s, discuss the problem of sexual trafficking of men . It happens in many countries, and unfortunately because men do not speak out about it — no change will happen for them. I wish this was a weird and wonderful love story, but it comes with an overall reflection.
Yes, of course — these are men! Yes, it was very difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that this had happened to them.
I also, needed time to also reflect on the complications of what this meant for society. The reflection is below. If you want to add comments, please do. I would love to hear your feedback. Although it happens to young people and there are studies for young people Human Trafficking Prevalence and Child Welfare Risk Factors
Among Homeless Youth, A Multi-City Study 2018
No one really looked at dating apps and recorded a study about it. If so — everyone —would be talking about: the statistics and the results from the studies.
Christian, 32 years old
My name is Christian and I have been using a dating app since I was 25 years old.
At first when I used the dating apps, I had pictures of myself in sunglasses and with my shirt off. It was then, when I began to receive messages from older women. I thought, it would be a good idea to meet one of them. She was about 55 years old, and I was impressed because I had not been near a woman for a while.
‘She bought me flowers and tried to buy me things that I wanted. ‘
I thought, we could be going to be in a serious relationship, as she brought me so many things.
She even offered a down payment on my apartment. So she could meet up with me in the evenings and hang out. I did not say no because I thought, she had been nice to me. Then, I felt like she would not judge me on my performance. At first, she made me feel like I was the only one.
It was only when I realised; after other women called me to invite me to party’s — I was being bought off for sex.
I mean, I felt embarrassed because this only happens to women.
I did not know whom to tell because, everyone would make fun of me. I continued to see this woman and gave her sex, in the apartment she helped me get a down payment for.
I have not been able to have a proper relationship with anyone else for 4 years because she would get her friends to have sex with me for a fee, which helped me pay for my rent.
‘They would come around often and sometimes…… I look back and think some of the things we would do are too graphic for me to share; the payment was left around the apartment. ‘
At first I did not think anything of it because I thought that it was meaningful and it is what she wanted.
I then, wanted to start dating again since I broke up and moved away from the town I was living in. But I have not been able to shrug what happened to me off.
‘I find it hard to look at my own mother. ‘
I have turned to drink and drugs to try and forget some of the things I have done. I have thought about going to rehabilitation and I am on a waiting list.
Geir, 43 years old
My name is Geir and I have been unable to have a decent relationship since my divorce. It has been very difficult for me to confined in someone; at first, about what happened, during my encounters with older women. I thought that we would have some amazing connection with an older women, because I was married.
I went on to a dating app, I really thought, some one would take me seriously. I uploaded some pictures of myself, in sunglasses and with my shirt off. I thought this would be appealing.
‘I did not think anything of it but, the first woman I had sex with was 65 years old and she paid me. I thought, that is a really nice gesture — very kind of you.’
In retrospect, I was confused— I did not think you were meant to get paid for having sex with someone. I thought we were meant to be in a relationship because I went on a date with her. She paid for a hotel and told me to try the hotel cocktails. I thought it was a nice gesture.
Then, after my first encounter, I went back on to the same dating app.
I had another woman in her 70’s tell me she would like me to lay next to her naked for a fee. She called it pocket money for me. I really thought, nothing of it and did it. I did not understand what was happening.
I am in my 40’s now and I thought that I would find a meaningful relationship by now. Especially, after my divorce.
I could not tell my ex-wife; I feel too ashamed because one of the women paid me enough to give our children a good holiday abroad.
‘The kids and I; travelled to Spain together. Then we lived for two weeks in the villa, one of the women I was dating owned. ‘
I thought nothing of it at the time. My ex-wife thought that I was hanging around with rich people anyway so, she allowed the trip. I never told her because, I did not want her to stop me from seeing my children.
The woman whom allowed me to rent her villa; was a business owner. I thought that I could hide the relationship because of the huge age gap. I did not want my children to find out that I was laying naked with women 30 year’s older than me because they had money.
I read a newspaper article about older women giving their money away; I thought about my own mother and how she would perhaps have felt ashamed of me doing such things. Now, I cannot go back to my ex-wife because I am afraid she will never want to touch me again. I cannot be with anyone my age because I fear they would not look at me in the same light.
Martin, 29 years old
Well, when I was younger I used to try and get with my teacher, because all off my friends would have bets on whom will get the hot teacher into — bed. It was not me, another guy slept with the teacher, when we were in school. Apparently, she was very hot and taught him a lot!!! So, looking back on the reasons why this all began is that I thought; this would be a good idea because Macron has a teacher — you know— It’s the stuff of dreams!
‘But truly, I thought that I was going to be married by now, but — no one is taking me seriously. ‘
I tried to remember the times when I would chase girls in a bar. You know— not chase, but seriously, I would try to talk to them. My longest relationship ended when she found out what was going on.
This was before the COVID and I really thought: not getting any luck. I was seeing my ex-girlfriend and we have a child together; you know —she trusted me even though I worked in a bar and where we met. I thought, she was the one. I got greedy —by greedy: I wanted to see if I was really in love with the mother of my child.
I went on to a dating app. I will not say which one because — I do not want people thinking everyone is the same as me.
‘I only had a picture of my abs, I thought, they were better than my face!‘
I am looking back and I laugh at the way I was ready to do anything. I wanted to try wild thing’s and do wild things. Unleash, my sexual tension, on an older lady. I am only, joking as I was an idiot back then. I should have wanted to do this with the mother of my child.
Any way, I did not realise — you have to sit there and fill the forms out, describing whom you are and what you are all about. I did not have time; I needed to work.
I was working in a bar and would have all the tourists come from all types of countries. Good tips and really good social life too.
‘So, I started to think — these more mature women would want the comfort of a young man such as myself. You know! ‘
I sort of joked about it with my friends, and then I went out with some one twice my age. They gave me clothes and money. I thought, I was really lucky because all my other friends could not find work.
I began to see two older women, three times my age. I was 25 at the time, and I thought it would be a good idea to hide it and I told my ex-girlfriend whom gave birth to my first child, when I was 24; these were my aunts. I would lie to her—you know!
She ended up looking through my phone and found many bank transactions and sexual messages. I mean, these made the mother of my child so angry; I do feel ashamed of what I did because I was thinking of going into the porn industry after all the things I endured.
I blamed the hot sun, and said these women were crazy. I tried everything to make us stay together.
I really thought, I was going to get married to her and try to stop doing what I was doing. Now my child is nearly 5 years old and I am confused about how a real relationship should be, because I have been looking for women with —the money.
‘Really, my needs do not stop there, someone told me if you join the right circles they buy you yachts and things. ‘
I felt bad because my ex-girlfriend is now married and has another child. I am still without a job and unable to find work, or be taken seriously. However, I do not think I want to be in a serious relationship. I want the yacht.
As I began to hear more and more of these stories about men, whom have been using dating apps; the stories began to become more apparent.
These men were being solicited for sex.
Some come from different countries, I did not disclose where they come from; but it is clear — they have been abused and sexually trafficked.
Many like to talk about women being sexually trafficked, but when it is the other way round — it feels like a lot of questions need to be asked about society.
—Do we think it is okay for men to think about sleeping with older women as a trophy?
I felt, Martin was the most confused because he was still, immature. When talking to him, he just thought it was something that he should not feel ashamed about. I tried to see if he would be with a woman the same age as him. He was confused and said she needed to have a job. There was no other connection of, if she likes the same things as me. It felt a little like he needed to go back to a psychologist for another session.
Christian, is still an alcoholic seeking help. I thought that this is not really something we discuss in life at all at the moment— is the consequences of what you do—leads to you abusing yourself. We need to have a society that helps people know they are going to end up abusing themselves after being abused.
—Should we allow men to be with someone 30 years their senior?
Honestly, I would not be seen with someone 30 years older than me, so why should men be allowed??? It depends on the society. But, I really think it is a sign of negligence if people whom are friends do not protest.
—How do men know if women are being genuine towards them if they are only going to be looking at wealth?
I find this deeply disturbing because a man’s role is to be protective and to nest for his family. So, if they are not out in search of earning the money to put food in their children’s mouth’s, then, it is a trip to a psychologist. If that is too expensive, they need to find the motivation. As all roads lead to them needing to earn money, not only for themselves but the people they love.
—Could that woman not find someone her own age to be with?
Martin, was young and his abuse began when his peers encouraged him to have sex with a teacher. Even though he did not, it has been his fantasy and actually ruined a perfectly good relationship.
He just went on the dating app and told me; he specifically would show pictures of his body, with his sunglasses on. I think, perhaps he knew he was objectifying himself, but felt perhaps ashamed of what he was doing. Even though he had a relationship he kept selling himself. He knew it was wrong, but, no one stopped him.
I thought about Geir’s story, and I am worried because men have probably been solicited and are too ashamed to tell anyone. When they do confide in someone, they make sure; this person is their friend. When “Geir” said he had lay side by side with someone without doing anything; it made me think — they were doing it out of empathy for the other person.
—Why would you use a picture of yourself in sunglasses to introduce yourself seriously?
Or in Martin’s case he just showed some ab’s. Maybe, at first it was for dominance and to attract the wrong type of woman. I mean, yes, some women want a serious relationship. Other’s are too shy to even go near any of the bravado stuff. I did try to explain this to Martin, but, he was settled on it working for all types of women.
I did explain to him that women want to see him as trust worthy, and people would not even accept his past if he is not able and willing to accept this is not what real women want.
—Can people pretend when they have money, they are your friend?
Nothing terrifies me more than Christians story, because Christian was actually solicited by the woman whom groomed him into the relationship. He was groomed to have sex with the rest of her friends. Now, this is not really a desperate housewives story. It is a tragic story where he did not realise he was involved with a group of women whom wanted to just have sex with him. They were not his age group, so perhaps it did make him feel even worse.
They are obviously not your friends because you cannot look your own mother in her eyes; after hanging around them, doing goodness knows what. It really doesn’t matter how old you are, if you cannot look your parents in the eye after doing something — perhaps— you should not have done it in the first place.
But, we can say it but when the problem is there in front of us; the possibility of it being harder for Christian to say no because he felt obligated increases. Especially, if money is involved.
—If you consent to one person; does it mean, you consent to other’s?
Christian, became an alcoholic because of his experience. He was unable to shrug this emptiness away after being paid. He never disclosed what had happened to him, he just said they paid him for it.
I could not imagine being 32 years old and not being able to think about being with someone because of being sexually exploited in that manner. I hope he gets the psychological help that he needs to recover.
Many men, in different countries are not able to recover from their sexual experiences. They just go along with it. Like most victims of sexual trafficking, or exploitation — they do not realise they are in the ring until it is too late.
—Do we as low middle income women; have a chance of being with a man now?
I think, the world will change again and women with the slightest income will be regarded. At the moment, it looks like some men have been exploited to the point where they lack compassion. It used to be that men, knew a woman was not going to earn as much, accepted this and just accepted the relationship. But now, I feel with this much exploitation going on; there is no way to tell if someone is being genuine.
—Are we in low middle income earning categories able to give as many gifts as these women have given?
No, but we are meant to do thing’s equally in a relationship. If the other person is not able to do that at the time, the other person should respect it and wait. If they cannot wait — then he will not have the patience for the next person either. If he was not able to wait in the past.
Yes, people judge other’s based on their past relationships. This is totally expected in the world.
If you buy a house together or a flat, it means, you want to commit to the future. Men whom take a long time to commit; have either been abused, or are about to abuse the other person.
—Does it not take the fun out of working on thing’s together to earn the money and the house?
The complications for society is, dependent on whether or not the individual realises that true love, does not mean — you need a lot of money. Or when someone buys you a gift, it does not mean— a person wants to have sexual intercourse. But for the people whom are not aware — they have high expectations for a relationship. They want the houses, the holidays, the fast cars: all from their partners. If not they will sell themselves to get it.
weird and wonderful 2021
This is no longer a sex addiction: it’s sexual exploitation.
You do not realise you are selling sex until you cannot hold down a proper relationship. When people get the right help, they are able to have loving relationships and not so many expectations. They are able to trust and build trust around them. However, it is a slow realisation process and a very sad thing to see, when, dancing in between apps.
I also, think we as women should not have such high expectations of men anymore, due to the fact that men have been exploited in this manner. There is a possibility that more men have been sexually exploited as well.
I really worry, about it being impossible for us women not to exploit men later on — if we are unable to hold our integrity as women.
—Do you think feminism caused this problem?
Not really. Your sexual desires should not be affected by feminism but, on the political side: making it acceptable to being with someone younger — blurs the lines of values and valuable relationships. In society, we all need to respect that a person should be with someone in their own generational group.
No matter the gender.
Perhaps, equality was lost when we had to pick political sides for equality values.
—Are these women able to let go of the men they have exploited?
Christian had to move, so I am guessing — no. It is really not a good sign. The person would have to change their phone e.t.c
Which brings me to the next point. Many men, are able to make themselves available on a telephone list. If they are not, it perhaps means, the men have been exploited.
—How do you get rid of the feeling of men needing wealth in society?
As a low middle income earner, I will not be able to be looked at by these individuals unless I was rich. They were not even looking for me to begin with. Which makes me realise, they do not even value themselves let alone me or their ex’s.
—Why does society protect only women, in regards to sexual exploitation?
I have not a clue, but I feel sorry for them because they are having to lie to everyone they know. It cannot feel good. Especially, if you have a friend whom is married and settled down already.
We get older: we settle down.
Most of them were looking for a meaningful relationship but did not even know where to start after they had been bought. When we all need to heal and forgive, but encourage more men to speak out about it. No matter how supposedly rare it is.
Good luck asking yourselves those questions and asking others.