Note to self:
Yes, I am weird…… my character comes out and this is whom I am. I do not have to do terrible things to people in order to win their trust. I do not have to borrow money, or, devalue myself sexually to win people’s affections. I do not have to do things which make me lose my dignity or self – worth if I do not want to. I do not have a drug addiction and a constant need to displace my emotional neglect. I do not have a dependency on prescription pills from the doctor which would not help me to think about the things I have done. I do not have to live in fear just meditate and my Auntie reminded me to do just that…
My aunt, bless her strong heart – Thank you for being my avid reader on my blog, I love you and thank you for reminding me: I ought not to grovel. Why? As it shows, either you, or, I have resentment towards one another and some underlining issue – we are not able to iron out right now. It takes, a lot of strength to empower me the way you did as well. I asked for help and I knew it was wrong. So, this is not me sticking my two fingers at you….(this is a really rude gesture and is not what I want to reflect) this is me standing alone and saying – it’s okay…I wanted my Auntie and no one else. I feel, I did not make this clear, I just wanted to write about the crazy things which had happening to me.
So, there is an example of my reflection. I am not seeing an image of myself in a mirror, but, the nature of my character in which I want to change. I want to become stronger and not have to rely on my Aunt. She cannot always be there for me. Perhaps, this is scary for me. Perhaps, I wanted some reassurance and some comfort. My aunt replied back and said: “Whom are you angry with?” As I read her question, I thought about my remark back and I said thank you. I am actually no longer angry…. I stressed to my aunt again in an email – I did not want to ask for help. I really think, we have established a nice ground where I know I can always run back to her for a secret hug. She knows about my past and replied back in the email as: “You are an intelligent woman, figure it out yourself!” I keep telling people, I am from a different culture where I have to be interdependent and be happy with my individuality. My aunt helped stabilise the anxiety a little. It is perfectly normal to feel a little like you are on your own out here in the big wide world. However, it is certainly not okay for people to try and take advantage of your vulnerable backside. It is probably because they have not been able to look at their own reflection of character.
So, when people really look at their character, they probably are scared. I feel it is wonderfully weird how the we can reflect deeply after showing character flaws. However, we do not really channel into this frequency, or, way of thinking until someone actually points it out.
Our character always needs something… just like people need make up or to shave.
We all need to develop in some way shape or form. I have not been reflecting daily on my course because I felt macro observation is nothing compared to seeing the bigger picture and improving communication, understanding and also planning.
I suppose, if I criticised every thing I did, I too would become quite negative. This is hard to write about in another language, so, communication had to be focused and I needed to focus on my language skills first.
I suppose, people with bad characters are able to communicate but are not able to change their habits, or, develop their strategic thinking because they are always going to think negatively.
So here my Positive mental attitude, negative characters out there. I wanted my auntie because you scared my good nature. So, start turning your lives around instead of stealing or even using people.
So I am ending this with three questions my Auntie who is awesome told me:
Think about what you have said
Think about whether or not it would hurt that person.
Think about whether or not you value yourself and what you have put out there.
– Is my Auntie not Buddha?
-Is she not just awesome?
-Of course she is? She has infinite wisdom and a parallel reasoning.
So, I told her about my emotional inner self because I was wanting to let it out and off load and to be reminded of the positive things she told me. I feel, this is an amazing human trait even Buddha was proud of. Our capacity to analyse our lives. Our capacity to change the character we see. Our ability to be positive when things are negative and not keep doing negative things which harm our progress or our development.
“Think positive and do good things” – I must remind myself every day to also, “ignore the bad characters of other’s because one day they will have to reflect on what they have done. They will realise they have behaved in a really negative way.”
Auntie, I miss you…. so you sent me flowers…. I love you. xxxx
From weird and wonderful. XXXXXX