It’s my Birthday on Sunday but I do not care

I do not care it is my birthday on Sunday:

1. If I went out to all the people who made me feel positive; I would have to drive to them so I cannot get drunk with people who make me feel positive.

2. I just had fun by myself… as I get older I have learned not to give a flying truck.

3. My parent’s never gave a toss about the times I had a birthday and they were alive and didn’t bother; had about 7 birthday celebrations: 5, 6, 7, 8, 10 and 21st. My 30th was spent in a weird way you know having drinks with my cousin. Seven is a lucky number all the rest are a waste of time.

4. I just cannot be bothered. What really have I got to be happy about. The person who has taken my last flesh and blood left on this planet who would cheer me up has made me think…. life deserves more than being around a person who sucks the soul out of you.

5. Just because I do not care about celebrating my birthday doesn’t mean I do not care about my own wellbeing. I am too tired to make the effort it would be nice to just have someone say -: well, it’s your birthday and we noticed. Instead of all the cards through post or the text messages. Just be there. But then I am used to being on my own; I probably wouldn’t know what to do for a birthday party…. considering I catered for my own flesh and bloods for the last few year’s. What the heck have I got to be happy about?

6. You get used to being alone. People say -: “well your different aren’t you!” – no…. I didn’t choose to be like this. I was abused… there I said it. I hid from the world; I just didn’t have nice people in my life – good positive people; who made me feel like life was so amazing it was worth every inch and mile. Too tired to fight to keep good people so it is better for me to fight my fight alone. Sick and tired of people saying I do not fit in: bloody hell have you walked in my shoes? No! So you don’t know how painful it was. So therefore when I am on my own and I know I am on my own…..

I say: I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. I am a lot tougher because I am doing this by myself. That’s another year…. well done….. had enough of the bitching, the back stabbing, the lies, the greed, the pain, the heartless accusations, the nasty assumptions, just had enough. This is my time to be better and I will….

7. I choose to live another year. I choose to fight for a purpose and a meaning. Not someone else… I do…. so; as I stare at the prospect of a future…. I delicately ask myself – am I important? Yes!!!! Everyone else can tell me my purpose is to be something else – look that has been robbed from me. This is my direction…. she will find me….

8. The most beautiful thing about the Internet is…. this is here…. set…. in stone. Anytime she wants to look at how shallow people had become towards me…. it is right here. Set…. in stone. The thing is everyone wants things to go their way. The most beautiful thing about birthdays is – it’s a turning point for a new beginning.

9. Being on your own means you do not have to pretend you are not sad…. depressed or low and put a fake smile on. I went a whole 2 months without comforts – it was hard. I had the TV. Then I went away to see if I was making the right decision and I hugged a shop keeper…. a total stranger: who does that? Someone who went through sheer hell to find sanctuary.  Then you want to ruin that feeling? No…. no…. no…. I will destroy you for even considering another ordeal for me. No there is hope on the horizon.

10. It’s my day. My day. My day to let go and start a fresh. My word can you imagine me being happy? Wow! That’s going to be nice. I always try to find my own happiness… especially after all I have been through.

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