“You attract what you put out. Be mindful.”
All this mindfulness, is making me mindful. Love it. My friend just got back what she gave to me: I was being mindful.
As I tried to give her the advice of having a separate account for business and that I would do the same. I felt I was going through a transitional phase. I felt as though the in between awkward times I had when she picked me up – made me think she was going through a tough time also: I was being mindful.
Wow! My moment was an emotional roller coaster but my word I don’t think it is my fault. I have always had to rely on other’s for help and they are getting fed up. Why? Because my family have never been ‘the bloods thicker than water‘ type; they have not made many sacrifices for me or had to try to resolve situations in my life. They just vocalise it. There sometimes has to be a physical bond.
When did you think it was your fault?
Deep down I felt as though it was not my fault but many have given me this negative vibe: they do not wish to involve themselves with my life. I think deep down this is due to my family not putting any worth or value in my adult life; just letting things spiral out of control. Consequently, even though I knew it was not in my control. I gladly taken the hint but asked myself:
“What did I do to deserve this treatment?”
Now, I rejected them because I felt as though all of my efforts to have them in my life in whatever way shape or form was actually not worth it, because, they didn’t see the value of spending time in my space, or, my environment. I have made a cup of tea for my family memebers in the place where I live only three times in the last 14 years of living in a small town away from them all. I realised the vulnerable nature of myself.
How do you feel your family have reacted after your life events or changes?
If family behave in a hostile manner towards people’s circumstances – they are not aware they behave in an unkind way towards the hardships of others; I suppose, the life event you go through: divorce, death, marriage, birth, moving, losing friends… they all become to difficult to deal with. Even my cousins have complained about the behaviour of certain memebers of my family.
It could be argued at your most vulnerable point in life, you are unable to grasp things by yourself without support. Sometimes, physically being there is better than being awkward. There comes a time when people die in your life from a terminally ill disease and it should form some structure to the way people behave.
The person who died was the one who stretched himself a lot to be the string and the putty, binding people together. He would make sure everyone was happy.
Did the ask you about how you felt losing so many people?
No, they didn’t value me as a person at all. I felt maybe it was because, I didn’t know how to feel. I was just numb from experiencing such things.
Did you try to be more sensitive to their needs?
I did. I had the phone calls. Listened to their hardships. Had given advice over the phone. I even tried physically being there for them. It was not recognised. Maybe, I didn’t try hard enough from their perspective. I actually have no idea – but I no longer want to pay them any mind which means; they didn’t pay any mind, or, consciousness to what experiences I may have been going through.
What is happening right now since you have been through all the traumatic times on your own? How do you feel?
As though I cannot trust anyone. My vulnerability is even worse than it was before. I was muted before, or, stunned and I could not approach situations with the zealous, or enthusiastic attitude I once had. Especially, in the environment I am in. I feel so hurt and so lost. I used to say to my aunt that my bones ached all the while. Then she gave me vitamin tablets and my bones would still ache: everything ached. I would play the same scenario of feeling lonely in my head after giving birth. I knew I felt negative – I do not wish to inflict other’s with my feelings because no one wants to be with a sad; unhappy person. I didn’t know it would go to the bone. I was anemic, also, therefore I was unable to feel well. The low mood was extra.
You are also more aware through your life stages; people take advantage of you being on your own. It may have been a bad experience – over coming it is the most important thing. Healing and being able to smile with sweet relief; find trustworthy people is important. Being able to be confident and attract confident people is important. Why would you want to be unhappy all the while?
Do you feel 14 year’s of being separate from close family is too long?
I would not want to encroach on my independence. However, to really have any influence on me – instead of making me visit them and stretching me beyond my means; makes me feel they do not want me around. Through this moment I feel it is better for me to continue on the path I have chosen because it has chosen me. I chose it also which has made me release the anguish I had inside.
Do you think they take your life as seriously as you do?
Who cares. I mean, as long as I am doing something purposeful and meaningful: not harming myself and others around me….. they don’t care.
I feel they do not wish to get wrapped up because they have been hurt themselves. You would think they would want to rectify this and build a more solid bond. However, it’s what you put out …. I was a child and now I am an adult – as an adult I feel I am not happy, so, they may need to remember their experiences and give advice but sometimes the physical approach is necessary.
Why did you not invite them?
Good question. Maybe because in the past I invited them and they were not interested because I am just an external family member.
Other than deaths what else have you experienced?
Bullying, death threats, racial abuse, neglect, harassment, stalkers, physical abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse – endagerment of life – exposure to drugs; sexual harassment, discrimination, theft, homelessness, hyperthermia, physical disabilities, operations, anemia, general bad health issues. I suppose you could put intellectual abuse in there also.
I suppose you could say; I may need to write a book due to my experiences. When someone sees me trying to cope on my own they are just wondering how I am doing this alone. I have subjected myself through a heck of a lot. Except, I do not feel as though they are bothered. I am meant to have my dad by my side and he is not here.
Do you feel you need to be more careful about how you attract individuals?
Yes, I do. Due to experience. I feel just because of my experiences, it has had a big part on my psychological wellbeing. To be able to separate my feelings from what I generally think is a higher consciousness. It is like an awakening of whom I wish to attract and what kind of a life I would like to live.
Do you think your family need to improve their way of dealing with your higher consciousness?
They can do what they like. I have reached my limit with certain individuals who pretend they want to help but will not help, or, they think just because you are going through a hard time it will affect them.
They sort of said things to hurt my feelings: judging other roles and how they are towards one another, I think relationships with family memebers is worse than friendships. Friendships have their limits. When family create limitations it forms boundaries and I am not one to create some kind of a bond with people who don’t value their influence on me. My friends value their influence on me and that is fine but they are not able to be physically there; this is it – the distance between me and others is something I Psychologically wanted because I was hurt.
Do you feel being positive is important if you are alone?
Yes. Try and find things to occupy yourself with – learning, or, another activity. If you find it hard to socialise with people after your experiences and you do not wish to attract any more bad people – detox your Facebook account and be prepared for the positive buzz. Overcome your burdens with more than just a job, or, drinking. Enjoy your achievements. Prepare for other challenges.
After the last five years did you feel you were changing?
Yes. I felt myself morph into this individual who needs to find strength from other sources. Understands limitations and expectations more. I understand interdependence more. However, interdependence only works for certain periods of time.
Do you think you have been made into something weird and wonderful; nothing will fit – you cannot find anything that fits?
Yes. I don’t wish to attract dysfunctional problems at the moment but I am willing to support people through their trials and tribulations. I just cannot find anyone who will fit because most people have family who are supportive. I just have the kind of family who are so distant you may as well be in touch with aliens. So, it makes me work on how I treat other’s.
Forget the past and forget them. The way forward is to love my own self and try to mould some path for myself to heal. They cannot physically be there. They are not wanting to – therfore, they mean absolutely, nothing. I can let go and this anxiety which has reached to my bones can be lifted.
Through all this I can still love other’s for who they are: How weird and wonderful is that?
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