Let’s be brutally honest about nasty characters who make our skin crawl, especially, when they sort of behave in the same way as your: ex – boyfriend, ex -husband, ex -wife, or, ex girl friend. Their behaviour may attach themselves to you and it becomes unbearable to shake off. As I write this, I am comparing myself to Sansa Stark. It does, feel like I do not want the curse of ex – boyfriends, with a daunting undesirable future. I feel this is because my past haunts me, or, limits me from even being able to find the happiness.
There is something about Sansa Stark ‘s demeanour, she, seems remarkably strong and defies the odds by taking control of her actions. She noticed her feelings were being pushed aside, as it was all about being brave and managing to survive. This is a positive thing, however, I feel it maybe time to recognise the past should never affect your future or hinder you in finding a new future.
Unlike Sansa, I feel I do try to resolve issues, however, they are actually hindering me from becoming better. I felt like my world had completely been swallowed up, by a man who knew too much and was quite crafty. Like ‘little finger,’ he controls Sansa Stark, who I feel sank into depression at one point – I can relate, as I also, fell into a pattern of depression over it – Mainly, due to financial decay; it really has become impossible to find a job due to the current climate. I feel having a child is wonderful, however, I feel I need to support myself. It is for my own wellbeing. Being able to form new relationships: learning to cope, manage my life and also shrug the anxiety.
I also, used my child as an excuse not to find anyone; I do laugh at myself, it helps, because I avoid things, so, I do not end up in the same rotten situation.
Let’s be honest…… these ‘excuses’ are known as ‘barriers’; putting them up, guarding me from not facing the future means, the wall or the quote Sansa Stark makes:
My skin has turned to porcelain, to ivory, to steel.
Even though I tried in earnest to break the mould; combating anxiety and depression with quick fixes and trying to participate in the world. I had lost many friends who were close because, they saw the manipulation or the control this person had over me.
My ex used to say really awful things like: “they are my friend’s not yours”…. “this is all mine and this is all yours” …. I felt they were awful because it felt as though we were not bonding at all. I feel relationships are about sharing wonderful moments with someone, getting to know them and my all time favourite – having the ability to prop them up when they are down.
I felt my past relationship was an endless charade, as I became trapped or imprisoned; under the impression that I was incapable of being in a relationship with someone new; I had been told negative things, or, I let that individual control me, to the point, where my self – esteem was low and attracted negative people to take advantage of me.
I feel I realise, when a person uses violence; their power has been deminished. If you are in a position where someone has been abusive towards you, just take a moment to think about it…all the trust is gone. They should not control you anymore. Walking away from it, means, they cannot repeat those actions again.
I may have learned from my experience….
So, why do I give that person the power to sink me into depression?
This is a reasonable question to ask myself, I think. I do remember a time when I saw the beauty in relationships. I felt, I could possibly be whisked away into a happy place. So, if I can remember the happy, surely, I would find it again?
I felt like my anxiety and depression had prevented me from looking for the good in a person. “Ye of little faith” – I felt it was necessary to say to myself.
If my weakness is now a strength, it is because I can actually see the warning signs of someone being manipulative, this is through reflection. So, really I feel I should throw caution to the wind and find someone.
I refuse to find the person on a dating site; due to bad experiences, also, seeing others not have much success. Oh – there is the notion of – naked photos, or, getting a quick fix which means there are more “Peter Baelish” or the female version “Cersei” – out there for anyone with anxiety to handle. I feel as though they do prey on the weak, or, they crush people’s lives with their behaviour through control. They refuse to share or even compromise on certain tasks – ask for naked photos, or facing awkward silences because they have crossed that barrier with many, as I think about it rather than feel for a moment – meals out become awkward because those types of individuals just seem to want you to cater for them; leaving you feeling as though you need to prove yourself.
I feel dealing with an ex, with Child care issues and all of the delicate emotionally challenging parts of raising a child is not something I wished for. As that person has more control. So, having a person in my life that, perhaps, will run away from the emotional moments could be quite annoying; just, imagine – the daily routines – with the new man who saw you naked already – walks away and then never comes back again because he has what he wants.
I feel that I too, can fall into the trap of becoming ‘Cersei’ because of the past. This dependency which elopes many, even me, could possibly be more harmful – letting go of the past – trying not to manipulate a man into my world of the past is a stronger position.
I feel if I recognise myself becoming a little cold or calculated; I could perhaps change things a little and let people in. However, honesty is always the best way to assist in awkward moments with men. I do not think Cersei could be honest; I feel many of us cannot be honest because it is either, too painful or to new an experience for us to put behind.
If someone does share that moment with you about their hardships and how they are willing to overcome it. Do not feel you must tread on eggshells. Try to discuss things with a representation of your own experience of bad relationship outcomes – not to compare; but to help you both heal. I feel it is the only solution to assist with the healing process. Trust is based on feelings – I feel, if you are unable to show emotions with a person you love, surely, they aren’t meant to be with you.
I feel narcissism is a personality trait and something which hinders many. As they try to perfect themselves on the surface and are always seeking imperfection in others. Materialistic goods cannot help you – it just masks the problems. Although, I do feel that it makes some of us happier. I also feel narcissism is another reason – many cannot discuss their feelings and burst into tears at times.
I feel, shock of what has happened could be another factor for newcomers to take into account. The known name is ‘rebound’: who would want to be someone’s second best? As I notice, I don’t want to be someone’s second best – the other person should not, also, have to feel that way. Who said people with Asperger’s cannot show empathy? Screw them!!!
I feel when men cry….. I cry. So, I do think it is lovely seeing men being able to open up. Not all of you are wicked and unkind. There is hope.
I feel Face to Face encounters will happen, so, I will make every effort to make the most and have a good time. Push my anxiety aside and even get a drink to calm my nerves to actually being with someone.
I feel it is nice to have a little hope about being able to cope on your own; manage your own way of dealing with circumstances or situations. However, there comes a time when anxiety and depression becomes an excuse. Thus, I feel the need to unburden myself to create the new beginning. I hope to resolve matters in the future with positive remarks, or a joy.
Don’t be so ridiculous to think that it needs revenge, or, your new relationship is to spark some revenge on your ex! I feel this is the most annoying part of being able to become stronger as a person – as it is the realisation – of using others for revenge. It never resolves anything. Also, the person you are starting a new beginning; you should have the chance to be unattached or unassociated with your past: creating a new future. It helps – especially if I am taking control of my own life and future.
A woman scorned – as Shakespeare once proclaimed was something to be feared. However, men are as equally prone to heartache. I feel they do not wear it on their sleeves, or, faces. I feel it is impossible to know, unless, someone reaches out and asks me the questions so I know where I stand.
Relationships are not easy for me, but if I write this – surely it would mean I improve my approach?
There is a solution. I really ought to put it to the test!