image Reflecting On Being Diagnosed With Aspergers.

“The reflective journal” – Barbara Bassot, (2013): The reason why I have written a blog.

At first, I thought genuinely there was something wrong with myself, even is a child. Now, I actually feel it is not down to wholly me – as this blog will show.

Discovering my symptoms: constantly feeling extremely vulnerable because I wanted to be left alone at times, and I didn’t trust people. I find it hard to express my feelings. Also, I would preferred to be left alone. I did at one point feel rejected because I was showing the ability to adapt. I think that is the difference between Male Asperger’s and Female Asperger’s…. don’t quote me on it – please, it has something to do with mirroring. I can mimic people’s behaviour and hide in the shadows. (I do chuckle at that!)

When I feel, I only attract bullies and negative people, due to being in a rotten mood, or, showing my vulnerability at the wrong times means, I am exposed in anyway shape or form.

I discuss the heck out of it now as an adult and I become anxious, leading to me exiling or closing myself off to the world. Imagine a big: “DO NOT DISTURB!” Sign. ¬†Becoming socially excluded, by choice or circumstances.

Certain circumstances of abuse cause some people to never trust a single soul again, thankfully, I did not end up in the drug cartel world, because I have Asperger’s – I avoid trouble at all costs and measures.

Avoidance is a beautiful technique; however, it has it’s own disadvantages. Yes, I maybe shy at reading out a loud in class and I avoid that also, or during important presentations – under pressure I crumble – it may look like dyslexia but it is not.

So, I end up playing the avoidance game or the blame game, which means, I do not to have a life – “catch 22”. Especially, when you find yourself in an abusive relationship and he is the one who says you are nuts. Just know that it isn’t nice way to treat someone with Asperger’s, they are always considered as vulnerable for their mental health and well being.¬†

I want to escape and I feel like hiding. I feel ashamed or even – like I don’t relate to anyone at all. It is so awfully annoying. Does anyone else have those feelings? I do like my privacy, so, my name is not connected to the post or the site. I think my trust issues go as far as telling people – “I have reached my limit: Goodbye!”¬†

When I look back at why I behaved in the manner I did; I don’t know how to justify it. I just did not like people to try and point out my weaknesses all the while, especially, when I was going through a life changing event.

I could not feel anything – I was just numb – iced over, glaced, or even acting like I was in shock all the time from anxiety.

 

Teachers were not taught psychology in the past, therefore, school was awful. Teachers would just behave like the children, so, the bullying would continue: there was always negative reinforcement and capital punishment, if you did not reform. You don’t really need special education – you need understanding and to resolve matters. See children’s behaviour and try to assist them in making adjustments. See them as vulnerable. ¬†¬†

I was disappointed in the way they treated me in Jamaica: the teachers washed my mouth out with soap and water.¬†I did not get on with my mother at all. She broke up with my dad – moved there and took me with her. She was awfully ignorant: all that time I was bullied and she turned a blind eye. ¬†I do from time to time, think to myself: “How selfish!”¬†

Then, when I complained about school in England whilst living with my dad, he would ignore me also. Infact, my dad would just beat me up. I was in a no win situation whilst growing up. They were both single parents and ignorant.

After all the situations have occured at both locations; in my mind, there are three types of reasoning or “actions” suggesting the breakdown in communication and results in more of the same behaviour occuring. Here they are: “pasifists, irrational, and rational.” Yes – somewhere is the same theory, but this is because, behaviour is actually quite facisnating.¬†

Reflecting on my own incidences, which resulted in bullying. Beginning with “pasifist” reasoning: “Sure! A new person in a new place would always be bullied.” But then the parent or child does not actually talk to the teacher, or, discuss it with others to benefit a child; this may lead¬†to a change in class mates behaviour and their parents. ¬†

This is an example of a parent behaving in an “irrational” manner; “What bullying – the school is great now: GO TO SCHOOL!”…..or… not communicating at all to a child: actually behaving ignorantly or ignoring the problem, by not listening, or actually avoiding having a conversation about them.¬†

“Irrational” – could result in abuse and it does! Believe me when I say – communication break down means; a breakdown through the ¬†– respect, dignity and even the care of individuals.

After those negative reasoning or mannerisms or behaviour from parents, of course, there would be problems. ¬†The “rational” reasoning is, of course: parent and child communicating, with teachers or having after school sessions with¬†students and parents. This could possibly reduce conflict.

It is better than giving a child detention and excluding them from the other children. I feel I have always been excluded РI was at a disadvantage due to having parents who lacked the communication skills to break barriers. 

Seriously, when you are angry and hurt; food is your friend, but, also your enemy. Being compared to Forest Gump.... no, I am on another level with Aspergers. Definitely, it is painfully annoying and frustrating. I don't even like being Stereotyped and nor do other women with Aspergers. Just give us the chocolates!
Seriously, when you are angry and hurt; food is your friend, but, also your enemy. Being compared to Forest Gump…. no, I am on another level with Aspergers. Definitely, it is painfully annoying and frustrating. I don’t even like being Stereotyped and nor do other women with Aspergers. Just give us the chocolates!

Parenting of course is not easy…. but I am not convinced about the actions of my parents. I don’t think they cared, to be honest. I couldn’t even tell you how disappointed I felt at times. Even my cousins communicate regularly with both their parents. I am just disappointed in mine – I have lost hope in all measures for them.¬†

If you have cold hearted parents who lack the communication skills and reasoning to say things to a child or an adult; trust me Рit is an uphill struggle. 

I feel family memebers, should ¬†listen to what is going on – good or bad. Form some reasonable solutions instead of making out there isn’t a problem, or, ¬†abuse a child, or, an adult; by not addressing ¬†– there has been a problem – means you become a problem to them. As I recall, this is known as neglect.¬†

I wish both my parents thought about the consequences of their actions and just sat me down straight. Told me about the difficulties they see, instead of being so callous.

To compare me to others….sorry, you cannot…..I accept I am different.

I don’t have support and therefore I deal with things, with as much, rational as possible, but, believe me – I have become shy towards people and I don’t trust them.

Forest Gump was actually the kind of person, who, had some applied reasoning because he did reflect and had feelings. It is a little sad in a way that so many things happen to people and there is just a stereotype of, “Forest Gump”….

Come on – people with Asperger’s are empathetic to pieces. We don’t hate everyone and everything; sure everyone ¬†has different limitations, boundaries,or, ¬†tolerence levels; it becomes a¬†protective barrier.

So basically, Forest was a guy who was always taken advantage of, yes, many would like to stereotype….laugh and really look immature…. but…¬†think about it……Forest Gump….. if he was a real person….. then surely, comparing, him to ¬†others means you are missing the point – ¬†he is an “individual” with “equally a remarkable story”; like those with Asperger’s.

I bet most Asperger’s recognise their¬†behavioural patterns and are amongst you and you do not even realise. However, you may have offended them and not realised.

¬†They are unique in every way shape or form. Build the trust by valuing an individual with Asperger’s: as individuals – Maybe then we will open up eventually, i am not guaranteeing a whole lot, but it is a start.

Do not let others¬†take advantage of them. Bullying in some aspects results in seriously bad outcomes. I am not a excusing others for using force or “irrational” behaviour – violence or avoidance.

Please, find a way to communicate with anyone with Asperger’s: treat them as equals, but, explain things with ‘rational’ reasoning – as I will further explain in another blog about “day dreaming.”¬†

There is only so much I can take responsibility for though. So, I don’t think it is all my fault. ¬†I don’t think I should be treated badly, just, because my family are a bunch of strangers to me. I don’t think I should be judged on those aspects. I feel, a little like the person who doesn’t get valued for much – against all the odds.

To conclude, please value a person to help them to value themselves through communication and “rational” reasoning. Value and respect the experiences of the individual and listen. Help them to trust you.

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